The Real Christmas Letter . . .

As I mentioned in my last post, I am not a fan of writing Christmas letters. I hate talking about myself. I hate trying to decide what other people would want to know about our lives. I fear sounding fake.

(PS - I really have enjoyed reading the letters we've received this year. It's hard to keep up with what everyone else is doing, and I appreciate people taking the time to write down the highlights of the year. I think we have every Christmas card we've received since moving to Arkansas. When people send pictures, I go back and compare them to previous years, etc. I know, I'll turn in my man card later.)

So without further ado, where is the "real" Stewart family Christmas letter.

Wow. You know you've had a heck of a year when one of your best friends comes up to you and asks "What did you do wrong?" (referencing Job and his friends). It has been a wild and unexpected year.

I finished up teaching the full organic chemistry class for the first time. My teaching is definitely a work in progress. I think I learned as much or more from the "alpha" class as I taught them. The highlight of the spring semester was definitely spring break. Jess and Maddy went to see Ma and Pa, while Paul Murphy and I took off on an adventure. We drove all night (save three hours of sleep on the side of the road) to his parents in South Carolina where we spent a few days with his family. I love the Murphy's. So much so they'll get a post of their own soon. After recharging for a few days there, we took off for Charleston SC with Josh Murphy and his girlfriend. Charleston is a great town, I highly recommend a visit. The three gentlemen then spent a couple of nights camping on Cumberland Island, GA. Cumberland Island is a national park, only accessible via boat/ferry. We had an awesome time getting away from it all, even though we had to hike about 8 miles or so to our campsite from the ferry. Saw my first live armadillo on the island, as well as wild horses and an awesome moonlight beach. From there, Paul and I visited the Florida Caverns, an unexpectedly good state park (with the first warm shower we had in days) and the beach at Panama City. Overall, an amazing trip.

Upon our return to Arkansas, Maddy took her first steps!

After break is when things really got interesting. Maddy got sick with a cold near the end of March, or so we thought. On Wednesday, she had a runny nose and maybe a little bit of fever. She went to sleep ok, but was coughing a lot, waking occasionally. Jess brought her to bed with us about 1:30, making the comment "we'll never get any sleep otherwise". We never brought her to bed with us. Ever. We woke about 3:30 to Maddy having her first seizure. We were freaked out to say the least. Her whole body was somewhat limp and she was unresponsive. We had no idea what was going on, all we knew was she wasn't breathing and her lips were turning blue. We threw on clothes and headed for the er. Maddy started breathing somewhat on the way to the hospital, though she was completely out of it. I dropped them off at the door and Jess said it was like a scene from a tv show. Someone grabbed Maddy and took her to the back, pulling off her pajamas as she went. By the time I got inside, maybe two minutes later, they had two IV's going and a third on the way. She wasn't responding well to the meds and her oxygen levels were still low, so at that point they made the call to put her on a respirator and have her airlifted to Children's Hospital in Little Rock. It was determined that she did have RSV, a cold-like virus that causes a large production of mucus that can be very harmful to infants. It would not however explain the seizure. The helicopter from Children's arrived carrying a doctor, a nurse, a respiratory therapist, and a pilot. They took over from the local doctors immediately (it was very similar to the calvary arriving. As the copter landed, all of the nurses backed away and made room for the entry of the new staff. Like I said, it was just like a tv show). They spent another hour or so prepping her for flight. They were not comfortable taking off before her vitals were stabilized, and she was just not able to keep them up. She left a little after 7 for the 18 minute flight to Children's. Talk about your emotional battle. Jess and I could do nothing but stand there and pray. It was gut wrenching to see our daughter laid out on the table, nonresponsive. The staff at the er was wonderful. They were constantly encouraging us and walking us through the procedures.

We left for Children's ourselves, making a quick stop at the house for clothes and such, as they told us to prepare for a long visit. We got to the hospital just before nine. Maddy had been admitted to the PICU, and we went there to see her. Or so we thought. They were still working on her and we were not allowed in to see her until just before lunch. We were blessed by the presence of Lisa Engel, who was in Little Rock and showed up in the waiting room within a few minutes of us. Her knowledge was invaluable and comforting. Others quickly followed, bringing food, prayers, comfort, a hotel room, love. I lost track around 40. My parents, my inlaws, and my sister all came down to provide much needed support. When we first were taken back to Maddy's room, we were told that they were still investigating what happened and to expect at least a two weeks in PICU and several weeks in the hospital after that. Maddy bounced back fast, and we were discharged to a private room by late evening. We were still told we'd be there for a week or so. We left the next afternoon.

There is no medical reason for Maddy's speedy recovery. No doctor, nurse, specialist, or med student can explain it.

Maddy regressed somewhat while in the hospital and was weak for a few weeks. She got another virus two weeks later, hand foot and mouth disease. It causes a rash on the legs and painful ulcers in the mouth. Oh, and she had another seizure. During this sickness we learned that one of Maddy's favorite foods is peach fruit pops. She wears them well!

After the second seizure, Maddy started tacking seizure medicine twice a day. She's had several other seizures since, and has had her medicines changed as well, looking for the right combination. She contracted HFM again, a rarity. She was diagnosed with epilepsy in August, but that means little. In reality, epilepsy is defined as seizures without cause. There is little that is known about the illness, and the doctors are working to minimize the effects. There is a slight chance that she'll grow out of it. We are learning every day how to live with Maddy's condition. All but one of Maddy's seizures have come when she has been sick. As such, we are anal when it comes to being around sick people. Cough around Maddy and you're sure to get a dirty look from us! She developed another respiratory infection of unknown sorts just before Thanksgiving and spent another three days in the hospital. She was more mobile this time, and was quite a scene walking up and down the hall pushing her IV pole.

Jess started back to work in May to help out with things. She worked at the Best Western in town at the front desk for the overnight shift. She moved to the hospital as a CSA in November. She also checks chapel seats. And does some sewing. Oh, and she's pregnant again.

God has a funny since of humor sometimes, does He not?

I'm into the "Beta' class of organic students, still trying to find the balance between spoon-feeding the students and teaching them to be independent learners. I love my job. I work with some of the best men and women God has created.

So where does that leave us? Jess and I are striving to find answers. I'm not going to lie and say everything has been great. We've struggled. We've questioned "why us?" "why now?". This definitely wasn't covered in the owners manual that came with Maddy. Oh wait, there is no manual! We've been scared a lot. We've been frustrated a great deal. We've been loved. Our families have been amazing this year. They have kept the highways busy going back and forth between Indiana/Missouri/Searcy. They have been to comfort us, to console us, and to prod us forward. Our friends. There are no words to express how amazing our friends have been this year. As I said earlier, when Maddy was in the hospital the first time, we were flooded with friends offering support and comfort. We've come to depend heavily on the smiles you offer at church. The greetings at Walmart. Table fellowship. Just knowing that you have been praying for us means so much. Jess and I will never be able to repay you. Accept our sincere thanks.

I have been blessed with the most amazing wife in the world. I never thought I would be co-dependent on someone. I was too stubborn. But it has happened. Jessy makes getting up every morning that much sweeter. We've been short with each other, frustrated with each other, but in the end I love her more today than I ever have. I would not have been able to handle this year alone, and I'm thankful that God has blessed me with a helpmate to go through life with.

I have the cutest daughter in the world. Her smile melts me. Yes, she does get upset, but not often. She has a true joy built in to her. I look forward to her smile every night. I cherish my good night kiss after prayers. I would not trade her for anything. God has blessed Jess and I so much through her. I am humbled that God has bestowed such a gift on us. She walks. She talks (ok, she mumbles in her own language). She loves to swing and to slide. And dance. She loves animals and fears nothing. I look forward to each and every day with her.

God is good. We don't always understand why things happen and what they mean, but I know He is there for me. God has continued to work in our lives and mold us.

So what's next? Jess is due June 24th. She has had a better time of it this time over last, but it still has not been easy. We hope to more fully discern God's will for our lives. It sounds so "churchy", but one of the things we've come to realize is we don't always live like there might not be a tomorrow. We don't do a great job of looking for the opportunities that God continually puts in front of us. We want to rediscover that passion. We look forward to making new friends, developing closer friendships with those we already know. We want to serve. So often this year we've found ourselves feeling sorry for ourselves, not seeing the blessings that God has given us. We want to focus on serving others, and sharing with them the many ways in which God has blessed us.

Thank you for being the hands of God on earth.

The Stewarts

God, I am amazed. As I look back on this past year, I feel so ashamed. So often I felt alone, I felt like you had abandoned us. I felt like you had given us this amazing gift in Maddy, then were allowing her to suffer. I was hurt. Now I see You were there the whole time. You took care of Maddy at every turn. You blessed the doctors and nurses attending to her. You showed us the amazing friends and family that surround us. You healed our daughter. For that I give you thanks. I praise you for loving me. I praise you for caring for me. I am so humbled in your presence. I'm sorry that I became angry with you. I'm sorry that I blamed you for all the things that were happening. I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me.